A friend passed along to me her copies of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I wanted to know what the fuss was about, but I didn’t want to pay money for it. I’m glad I didn’t.  I read about 30% of the book and had to put it down because it was frustratingly terrible.

I did, however, pay money for the movie. Why? To be a part of the opening weekend crowd. I wanted to sit in a packed house and I wanted good, honest reactions to the weird shit that was going to be projected on the screen.

Unfortunately, I saw it at Americana, and the theater was full of Glendale’s straightest couples who were taking the event very seriously. The couple next to me started caressing each other, and the one in front of my nuzzled into each other’s shoulders. Gross. Thankfully, I had my Galentine’s pals, and we lead the theater in appropriate, raucous guffawing from the back row.

The movie was…fine. I wanted it to be better or worse than it was, as either would have been more entertaining. It was weird to see filmed fan fiction. Narratively, NOTHING happened. Also? It wasn’t sexy. I mean, I suppose some sexy things happened, but maybe it just takes more to get me turnt up, as it were. But, it was fine.

Here are some thoughts that I have about the movie.

Some Nice Things

Highest Grossing Opening for a Female Director. What a surprise! Females know what females want to see! This is a win for women.

The acting wasn’t awful. I feel like everyone did they best they could. Dornan is capable of and made interesting choices (TheFallTheFallTheFall) and Johnson played a bumbling girl just fine.

The writing was okay. Anything that I laughed at was due to the original source material, not the interpretation of it. You could sense the specter of EL James looming over the whole damn thing. Bless Kelly Marcel for doing what she could.

The directing and editing was fine. It was nicely stylized. The tone was even. Bless the creative team for doing their best under the circumstances.

Some Questions I Have (…besides the obvious ones about character development and female self esteem and how fan fiction gets made into an actual movie that’s released in theaters.)

What does he DO? Seriously, what is Christian Grey’s job?? There’s a big giant building and helicopters with his name on it, he has a fleet of Audis (I suppose they sponsor him?), and can travel whenever he wants. Wouldn’t he have been more interesting if he was some sort of savant?

HE SOLD HER CAR?! I still can’t get over this. A vintage, running Beetle, and he just sold it. Without asking. And she didn’t have a problem with it!

White wine? Really?? It’s all he drinks. I don’t get it. I can’t ever see myself being attacted to a man who would drink that much white wine.

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